After the Storm
by Layna Remi
Summary: After you lose someone so close to you how do you go on? After the team suffers the devastating blow they go through the five stages of grief. Each chapter is a stage of grief, each stage is for one of the original members.
1. Denial- Garcia

Hello Criminal Minds lovers! I'm back and hopefully you like this story, it is set in season eleven before (spoiler alert if you haven't caught up on season 12 so don't read the next four words!) Spencer in Jail Business.

I am writing this as the four stages of grief as I have recently been through them it brought to me this story and I hope you like it. Please Review and let me know thanks! Layna

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 _ **The Death of a loved one is an amputation - C.L. Lewis**_

"Penelope," Tara Lewis' voice called softly over the phone. At this moment Garcia could not breathe, her hands shook, her mouth was ajar and unknown to her tears had begun to fall. She stood alone her office and she felt the walls close in on her; clearly she had to have heard wrong, the words that were spoken were a lie. She had just helped them find the identity of the San Antonio killer. It had been an easy case, the team was not even gone two days when Richard Wendell got sloppy and dropped his largest clue that she was able to notice. The last she had heard from them was when they were just getting to his hideaway ready to put an end to the terror he had been causing. She had just heard the phone ring and naturally, she answered it as her bubbly self, expecting it to be one of them telling her it was over, but this time was different, this time her world had shattered.

"Penelope," Lewis' voice came again this time more shaken.

"I'm sorry…" She answered her voice was wavy as well as she sat herself down in the chair at her desk. "I… I think I heard you wrong." She has said it just above a whisper; she wanted to believe it was a misunderstanding.

"Penelope, I am so sorry to tell you like this," Garcia shook her head as the dam broke and she was full on sobbing. Her body shook and now it was even harder to breath; on the other end of the line she knew Tara was listening to her, on the other end of the line she heard who she assumed to be JJ and Emily sobbing too.

"Reid; no you're wrong, it's not him." She had somehow slid off her chair and was now on the floor.

"I am so sorry Penelope," Lewis was now crying herself.

"I have to go," Before another word could be said she hung up the phone and let herself sob. It was as if someone had taken a knife to her heart, her whole world had come crashing down and no matter how many pictures of happy things or colorful objects were in her office nothing would make this place the same, it was the place where she found out her friend was dead. Spencer Reid, her junior G-man was gone and this was not like Emily, he was truly gone.

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She had sat in a pile on the floor for about five minutes sobbing her heart out before a knock on the door made her push herself up into a standing position. The door opened slowly and she was greeted by the director, his face showed all the sympathy in the world. She did not even make out one word, instead she began to sob again, and Cruz quickly ran to her and caught her. He let her cling to him and cry, his shoulder was damp but he stood for both of them, supporting her as she let all her hurt out. It took a solid ten minutes before he moved her to his office, all eyes on them. The bullpen was silent as all the other agents who had just gotten word watched a broken Garcia be ushered to the director's office. He sat her in a chair and handed her a box of Kleenex, another agent placed a glass of water next to her before giving her sympathy's and exiting the room.

"It's not real," She finally said aloud. She wiped her eyes and cleared her nose; the shock was still present, denying it was the first step. "I mean I just talked to him, he was fine, he was just fine, he said he would call me when they got Wendell."

"It happened fast."

"I just talked to him," She tried to reason with the shock. "I mean maybe half an hour ago, I just heard his voice, he can't be gone, this isn't real," She repeated.

"I wish I could tell you different Penelope, he was an amazing kid."

"I don't understand, I just can't process this, he was armed and he had his vest on… he had that on right I mean he isn't stupid he always wore his vest and that's supposed to protect him."

"He did," Cruz, answered though he was not sure she was asking in particular. Right now, she was trying to reason with this news.

"Spencer, are you sure it's Spencer," She looked at him; he knew she knew the answer but in her mind it seemed impossible.

"Yes, Penelope, I cannot begin to say how sorry I am that this happened, it just happened, no one expected it." From what Lewis was able to tell him it did happen quickly, there was nothing they could do to save him.

"Oh god, his mother, we have to tell her, she isn't in the right mind, she won't remember, how are we supposed to tell her."

"We are going to send some agents to bring her here."

"No!" She jumped from her chair. "You can't do that, she does trust anyone but Spencer and the team."

"Okay, we will hold off then, perhaps I can go down and tell her in person with Rossi and we can bring her back."

"That could work," She settled back in the chair. They sat in silence letting the air around them settle.

"The team should be home in about five hours; perhaps you could go home, I am sure you can reconvene at a later time together."

"No, I need to be here when they get back, I need to see them."

"I understand; you can stay in here as long as you need Penelope."

"Thank you," She smiled as new tears dropped down her cheeks. He stood to leave but she quickly stopped him. "Could you stay with me for a minute, I can't sit alone yet."

"Of course," He smiled, he pulled a chair to her and took her hand as she began to sob again.

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She stood by the elevator and waited for her team, for the first time it was not with her usual smile, it was puffy red eyes and a frown that seemed permanent. She has stopped crying but it was because she ran out of tears. She still could not believe the news, she expected the doors to open and the team to be exiting with smiles on their faces ready to hug her and talk about the case. He would be there, he would wrap her arms around him and she would do the same. His thin frame would remind her that she should probably get him to eat something so she would offer the idea of dinner and drinks and even though he may pass at first she would make him. That was the scenario she was used to but this time it played out different.

The elevator let out its chime and as the door opened she was greeted with gloom, all of them looked beaten down pale as sheets. It was JJ who first approached Garcia, she had obviously had cleaned herself up but Garcia saw flecks of red in her blond hair. The shell of her friend stood in front of her for a moment before both their faces cringed and tears began to fall again. Garcia quickly pulled her friend into her and clung to her for dear life, they sobbed into each other's shoulders, which in turn started the chain reaction for the rest of the team. Emily soon made her way over and Garcia reached out her arm to pull her into the hug as well. Garcia caught a glance of Rossi whom she had never seen cry before but here he was. They finally released each other and Garcia made her way to him, he held her tight and told her it was going to be okay, it was all her could say but to him and the rest of him it didn't feel true, their friend was gone and everything seemed like it was stopped in time. No one knew what to say to each other, they were all in a fog because in their mind they thought this was a nightmare.

"I tried…" JJ managed to squeak out before choking on the rest.

"I know," Garcia grabbed her hand and gave it a light squeeze. "I know," she repeated

"He was just…he was gone so quick." She did not look any of them in the eye; instead, her gaze was off into space.

Penelope knew how to fix the little problems, how to make everyone smile when everything seemed out of reach. She knew how to cheer them up after a tough case, losing a victim or not being able to reach a deranged unsub but this time she was just as flabbergasted as them. She kept thinking that maybe her alarm would ring soon. She would walk up from this nightmare go to work and give Spencer a squeeze. She kept thinking maybe he would walk through the doors of the elevator and this would all be some sick joke. Every time she thought of him she felt sick to her stomach, it hurt too much. He was young, in the prime of his life; he was a genius going places. There was so much on his too do list; find love, get married, have kids and maybe find a cure for Alzheimer's or schizophrenia. She had listened to him one night at one of the various parties he threw and he told her everything he wanted in life; everything he aspired to be and now he would not get that. This all couldn't be real, it had to be some cruel joke, he was still alive, he was going to come back and name off a various fact or a statistic that somehow pertained to something in the office, or maybe this was like Emily and he had to fake his death for a little while. She knew it was not any of that; the traumatized faces on the teams faces verified that but her brain still hadn't accepted it as real, would it ever?

"I think we need to get home," Rossi finally spoke. No one in the team wanted to go, all of them wanted each other close because being alone for anyone but JJ was going to be the worst thing in the world tonight.

"I don't think I can," JJ shook her head. "How am I supposed to go home and tell Henry that his Uncle…." She broke down again, that boy idolized his godfather.

"Don't tell him tonight, but you do need to go home JJ, shower and hold on tight to those babies," Lewis suggested.

"Come on JJ, I'll drive you home," Rossi looped arms with her and stood as they said goodbye. One least group hug of crying this time Lewis, Rossi, and Alves joined in. As they released everybody lingered for a second before Rossi ushered JJ towards the elevator and Lewis and Alves joined them. Emily was just about to go before Garcia called to her.

"Emily," She spoke just above a whisper, the lump in her throat had made talking hard as well as the urge to cry again.

"Yeah," She turned around and faced her friend; a face aged a thousand years with grief.

"Do you want to stay with me and Sergio tonight, no one should be alone."

"I would really like that Emily nodded. They linked arms, walked towards the elevator, and pressed the down key. Tonight would be rough; tonight they would cry themselves to sleep over their lost friend.

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Garcia woke up; it was as a bright morning as the rays of the sun shone into her apartment. It was bright outside but she knew it was not a good day. She knew this was not a dream because Emily was here; she was right next to her on the couch staring at a group photo of the team when Hotch and Morgan were still in it. She had not even noticed Garcia wake up.

"Is this how it's gonna be for a while," Garcia asked capturing Emily's attention. "I can't look at those pictures without feeling sick." She still looked at them though; the boy wonder is smiling face. He was a wonderful presents to their day and now he was gone.

"I forgot," Emily gave a sad smile. "For just a second when I opened my eyes this morning I forgot that he was gone and then I remembered and my heart broke all over again." A single tear slid down her cheek and she caught it with a swipe of her finger.

"Me too, I forgot, then I remembered and then I wished it was just a dream."

"This is going to hurt for a while isn't it."

"He was this huge part of us; I think it might hurt forever."

"Me too," Emily pushed herself from the couch and dropped the picture on the table.

"I can make some coffee and some breakfast if you want," Garcia offered.

"I'm not too hungry," Emily replied. Truth be told neither was she, she felt sick almost and food would not help her situation.

"I think I should go check on JJ, do you want to come with me?"

"I can't… I have to tell Morgan, I was gonna go see him today."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No, go check on our girl, I will call you later maybe if you're still there I will meet you." Emily nodded and gave her a tight squeeze.

"We have each other; we will make it through this… together."

"Together," She smiled. She walked Emily to the door and gave her another hug before she closed the door behind her. She was so lost, she was still in denial, how was this even real? She grabbed her phone, found her existing conversation with Morgan, and clicked it open. A smiling picture of Hank popped up, a kid that would live up to his name sake, his first name after a man Morgan loved and lost at a young age and now his middle name after another loved man that Morgan would soon find out he had lost. She quickly texted him, "I'm coming over." She did not want to say anymore than that otherwise he would be suspicious and this was not news to be broken over text. It was Saturday, Derek had just gotten back from Vacation with his family; they had visited Savannah's parents so there was no way he would know yet. She did not know how he was going to break the news to him but she knew it was going to be awful. A ding of her phone alerted her of Derek's reply; "See you soon," He had even added a smile emoji, his good mood would not stay when she got there, with bad news came great pain and in Derek's case probably anger too.

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	2. Anger-Morgan

With Hank in arms, Morgan moved to the door where he expected a bubbly Garcia to be waiting. Their normal routine whenever Penelope would visit would be her taking Hank and immediately directing all attention to the little man for the first 10 minutes of their visit. What he expected was far from what he got when he opened the door. The normal Garcia greeting of liveliness was gone and instead a watery-eyed Penelope stood in her place.

"Baby girl, are you okay," He ushered her in quickly into the living room. She shook her head, unable to speak without letting out a sob. Derek placed Hank in his playpen before seating himself next to her and taking hold of her shaky hands. He hadn't heard from the team in a while, they had been on back to back cases and between their job and his it was hard to collaborate schedules. Garcia was the one he saw the most, she always made time for her godson, he would see JJ when she set up play dates with Michael and of course Spencer would stop by every once in a while.

"Garcia, what's wrong?" He handed her a Kleenex still holding her hand.

"I have to tell you something?" His mind went to her being sick, was she in trouble; Penelope and him had this friendship that was hard to explain, she was so much more than a friend, a part of his family.

"What's going on?" She released his hand and stood up from the couch, pacing back and forth in front of the coffee table. He studied her body language, once a BAU agent always a BAU agent. She rung her hands, taking a few coming breaths as she searched for words, her eyes were red and puffy with tears still falling down her face and the furrowed brow was all enough to tell him that what she was about to say next was going to hit him like a tidal wave.

"I…" She began but her words were caught in her throat. "Damn it," She cursed under her breath before restarting her routine back to pacing.

"Penelope," He called in a demanding voice, she jumped and looked at him, fear in her eyes.

"The team went on a case a few days ago," She began to explain; he could hear her words catch in her throat. "Something happened and I don't know how to tell you."

"Who," He understood the gist of what she was saying; someone on the team was gone. If it had been just an injury she would have just called but right now, she was finding it hard to tell him. She looked at him with all the sadness in the world and shook her head as more tears slid down her face. Her face contorted as the feelings overwhelmed her again, he knew, somehow he knew from her face, from her reaction ; from the way she was struggling to tell him it was, "Spencer." She nodded falling onto the couch next to him as the dam broke again and she began to cry on his shoulder. He wrapped her in his arms but he was still in shock, he did not know what to say, his little brother was gone, the man who was the namesake of his son's middle name. Everything seemed to stop, time stopped as he held on to his friend as she cried. He felt the disbelief quickly fade and as he held Garcia he felt the anger inside begin to show itself.

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Savannah had just gotten home; it was quiet which shocked her. She crept up the stairs and carefully opened to the door to her son's room looking in. The light from the hall cast a glow to show his sleeping face, She smiled and again carefully closed the door. She now was on the hunt for Derek who usually greeted her at the door after one of her shifts. She checked their room, it was empty, the bathroom, the spare room, no sign of her husband. She slowly descended the staircase double-checking the living room before moving to the kitchen, which was also empty. A light banging sound made her aware of a presents in the basement, he had spent a lot of time down there when he was working on the house but usually now he would use it to take his mind off something. She walked down the stairs and saw him facing away at the workbench, his headphones in but the baby monitor nearby.

"Derek?" She knew he could not hear her, she could hear his music that meant it was on full blast. He was hammering away at something she had not seen before, maybe a bookshelf. She slowly made her way to his sight of vision causing him to jump slightly, ripping out the ear buds.

"Jesus Savannah," He scowled.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," He answered in a grumbled tone.

"Derek," She crossed her arms, she did not have to be a former behavior analyst to know something was going on.

"Garcia came over today," He sighed throwing the hammer aside and sitting on the stool. She was confused, a visit from Penelope was always a sure way to make their day.

"Something happened," She asked.

"Case gone wrong," He looked down at the floor shaking his head.

"What happened?"

"Spencer died." Her hands shot over her mouth, had she heard him correctly, the youngest member of the team, the brains, he was gone. She was at a loss for word, when she first met Spencer she knew him immediately, the whole team she was able to pick out based on Derek's conversations but Spencer along with Garcia was the one that Derek spoke of the most.

"What happened?"

"He was shot trying to save a victim, Garcia said it happened quickly."

"Baby," She placed a hand on his shoulder but he shot up.

"I don't understand, why him, why did it have to be him?" He was yelling at this point, not at her but to the universe.

"I don't know," She shook her head watching him pace.

"He was smart, he had every opportunity in the world and now he's gone, how is that fair?"

"It isn't fair, Spencer was a miraculous man," She felt tears welling up in her eyes, she wanted to cry not only because she was sad about Spencer but because she knew the anger Derek was feeling was only an outlet of his grief.

"I just talked to him… a week ago, he wanted to hang out but I was busy."

"He understood, he was busy too remember he got pulled onto a case that day anyway."

"I should have made more of an effort with him."

"Derek, Spencer knew you loved him, he knew that you were there for him, and there was no doubt about it."

"I just don't get it, I don't mean I want anybody else on the team to be where he is now but why him?"

"I don't know," was all she could answer.

"He has had such a tough life, a dad that left, a schizophrenic mother with Alzheimer's, he's been shot, poisoned, drugged, tortured, his girlfriend was killed in front of him; when was his break, why did everything go bad in his life."

"Not everything was bad, He had you and the rest of the team, three god sons that adored him, he was loved and he knew it."

"I know, but I still can't understand."

"Maybe you never will, bad things happen with no explanation all the time; he died a hero Derek, he died saving a life."

"He was my brother," When he looked at her she saw the pain in his eyes. A small cry broke his gaze, he looked over at the baby monitor; Hank was up.

"Come on, let's go upstairs, I think he wants his dad, and you need him too." She lead him up the stairs, she still didn't know what to say, Spencer was part of their family in a big way, she couldn't help but worry not only for her husband but for the rest of the team, this loss was going to hit them hard.

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Derek stared at the ceiling; it was 4:30am and he had not even closed his eyes. He could not stop thinking about what Spencer would have been going through in his last moments. Garcia had told him that Spencer would have lost consciousness in a matter of minutes and soon after that, he was gone. He was not mad at the team, the thought crossed his mind but he knew that they loved him just as much as he did, no his anger was towards himself.

It was the one thing that had been on his mind since Garcia had told him the news this was his fault. He had always promised to keep Spencer safe, granted he had slipped a few times but this time he wasn't there when his friend need him the most. He quit the BAU, it was for a good reason but if he had stayed, he would have been there when everything went down and maybe he would not have been negotiating. He would not have been standing there when Wendell fired the shot that killed him. That name would forever cause him to flare up in rage; this stranger, a psychopath just walked into their lives and without a thought took away one of the most important men in their lives.

He could not sleep, he threw the covers over to Savannah and changed, he had to get air. He left a note and his pillow, kissed Hank on the forehead and walked out the door. He ran, he did not know where too but he just knew he had to keep going. All his anger and frustration was in every step, he picked up his pace his feet hitting the ground harder as he sprinted down the road, taking turns as if he knew where he was going, he didn't even think about it. All the while his mind was running with him, all the pain hit him, the vexation taking over him, the same questions on a loop, wondering why it was Spencer. After a while he had to stop, his chest was tight and he could hardly breath. He found a bench and slid into it, no matter how fast he ran all those questions were not going to go away. He pulled out his phone and flipped through his photo's, he found one of the team when they had a going away party for him, Spencer had his arm slung around his back with a beer in hand, a smile on his face, in that picture it showed the two men's bond.

"Damn it Spencer," Derek cursed as he clung to the phone. "Damn it!" He repeated a little louder, he was so pissed how could it be Spencer, he had so much to do. "You should be here," He yelled towards the sky. "Your mom needs you, we need you!" He wanted to punch something, the anger boiled inside him. He knew Spencer did not have a say in leaving this world, obviously, but he thought back to Savannah's words, maybe he would never understand why this had to happen. Sure he was a hero, he was always one, but all this pain did not make knowing that any better. He was this brilliant mind, a kind soul that created joy and safety in everyone he met. "I was supposed to protect you, I was supposed to be there, and now you're gone and I don't know what to do."

He sat on the bench for a good hour; he was tired, tired of these thoughts, tired of being angry, he just wanted his friend back. He just wanted to wake up and realize it was all a dream but the pain it was too real and he knew that it was definite, he was lost and stuck on that bench wondering what Spencer's last thoughts were, was he scared, would things have been different were he there or would it be the same. He wanted to scream; he wanted to fight, wanted to take out his aggression, it was boiling inside. Who could kill a man like Spencer, he was a strong and brilliant and some unsub who thought that killing an FBI agent was going to help his case. How did that man live, how come he got to live after her murdered so many? It would never let up, he knew with every unsub them living meant they had to live through prison which somehow felt like a justice to the family but with Wendell it was different. He wanted that man did, he wish his former team mates had just taken him out the minute the bullet left the chamber. He gave the girl up and surrendered and now he would rot in a prison, which did not make Derek feel better. He never really followed religion closely, his dad died in front of him when he was a kid and from that point on his faith was shaken, today it was non existent. What cruel god would take an innocent man like Spencer from this world? Savannah was definitely correct, he would never understand why this was happened and even more so, he would never let go of his hatred toward the unsub.

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Savannah heard the door close, the sound of Derek kicking his shoes off and tossing his keys in the bowl by the door. She had woken up to find an empty bed and for a minute, she panicked until she found his note. He had written that he needed to blow off steam that he needed to get air. Now he was back and when he walked into the kitchen, she could tell how horrible he felt. At this moment, he was angry but what he really needed to do was to let it out, she had offered Hank to the neighbor Hannah who immediately accepted. Now it was the two of them alone and she had prepared everything she needed to get him to let it out.

"I was worried," She spoke softly watching him make his way to the fridge and grab a bottled water.

"Sorry," He grumbled.

"Derek, we need to talk about this," She watched him carefully, he faced away from her but the dropping of his shoulders told her he had let out a sigh. He closed the door and stared at the stainless steel. "Derek," She pulled a stool over and patted the top signaling him to sit. She looked at him with sadness in her eyes; she missed Spencer too, though he had known her only a little while he had made his impact.

"If you think I'm being too much of a wimp about this…"

"Woah woah woah, nobody said anything about you being a wimp, your grieving is natural, you just lost a very close friend, I would be worried if you weren't upset about it."

"So what is there to talk about, I'm upset."

"You're angry, and I know a lot of it was toward the killer but I can't help but think you are trying to take some of that blame too." He didn't answer which gave her all she needed to know that she was right. "He would hate this," She frowned.

"I know but I told him, I promised him…"

"Derek, he understood why you left, he encouraged it. He had his whole team around him, I talked to Penelope no one saw it coming it just happened." She saw the shimmer in his eyes, it was starting to break the anger streak and go back to the step he missed.

"He was… god the kid was my brother, I keep thinking that it's not him, like I know someone who died but it wasn't him."

"I know, it is the worst feeling in the world, it isn't going to go away overnight."

"I just going through scenarios where I was there, maybe I could have…"

"Don't, Derek you didn't do this, thinking like that is only going to make it hurt worse. This was no one's fault, the unsub was out of control, he just moved a fraction of a second faster than they thought."

"I just keep thinking, what went his mind, was he scared, he wasn't weak but he was the one with the most heart, I cant take the thought of him being scared."

"He was brave, he was so brave," She wrapped her arms around him. It had been a long time since Derek Morgan cried, a long time since he felt this pain. He curled into her and let it out, for the first time since the news he cried, it was heart breaking to her but she was glad she was there, even her own tears slipped out for Spencer, the man who meant the world to her family, tragically taken away.


	3. Funeral

"I don't think I can go in there," Garcia said staring down the hall of the funeral home. It was a nightmare leading up to this day; she kept wishing that she had dreamt it all but today only verified that this nightmare was true. She stood with Derek and Savannah, a small group formed as they waited for the director to tell them it was going to be okay to go in. She looked around the room, the whole team was there, a few agents from the office and the director all stood around. She focused on her team, they were all broken, and she was not the only one crying. "I don't know if I can go see him."

"Baby Girl, we have to," Derek gave her hand a light squeeze. Truth be told he did not want to go either, seeing his best friend in a casket was a stab to the heart.

"We have to say goodbye," Savannah urged them both.

"I know, I just don't know how to," Garcia spoke through a watery sheen. She looked at the clock, they had to wait until William and Diana Reid arrived. After Rossi told Diana the only one who could calm her was William, he had really stepped up, he stayed with her at her home for a few days before they flew into Virginia. It was quarter after three, the time moved so slowly it felt as if they had been standing in the waiting area for days. Her stomach hurt the thought of seeing her junior G-Man made her sick to her stomach, he was gone and this was it. The doors opened to the funeral home and all eyes settled on Diana Reid and William Reid arriving. It looked as though Diana was semi lucid, she knew where she was and why she was here but with all of them looking at her, her paranoia kicked in.

"I don't know what to say to her, she I talked to Rossi, he said William told him that Diana has been having sporadic episodes."

"Losing your son that mixed with her schizophrenia and the dementia I mean it is bound to happen."

"He took care of her, he was the only one she had left, now what is she supposed to do?" They walked at the funeral director ushered then down the hall, the whole place was silent, it wasn't until a large wail from down the hall sounded that they knew Diana had seen her son in that coffin, seen him and knew that he was gone. Derek felt Garcia's grip on his hand tighten before she finally released it, "I could never imagine the pain she is going though," Savannah whispered under her breath. The rest of the team rounded themselves together, close together, that is where they needed to be at this time.

"Everything is going to be okay," Emily tried to reassure them, she grabbed hold of Garcia and JJ's hands, she gave them a tight squeeze she followed the funeral director to the back. As soon as they stood at the doorway all of them froze, no one wanted to be the first in. They could hear the classical music playing, Garcia had chosen it, it was Reid's favorite, inside Emily had set up a slide show of photos of Reid and the team and more that William had sent while he was with Diana. All of this was too surreal, no one wanted to accept this, all of them just wanted to wake up.

"It' going to be okay," This time it was Rossi who spoke the words, he stepped in front of them and threw the door way, the rest of them followed. Seeing Reid was such a blow to the stomach, he didn't look real, it looked as if someone had carved him from wax. JJ went up first, she held Will's hand tightly as they hugged Diana and wished her their greatest sympathies, Rossi and Emily followed, they waited as JJ cried over her fallen friend, she had taken it the hardest, Rossi knew part of her blamed herself. Will gently pulled her away and out of the room, Garcia grabbed Morgan's hand again, the anxiety building up inside her as she waited for her turn.

"He doesn't even look real," Emily said as she stared at Spencer. It was true as Rossi looked at Spencer it looked like a wax figurine of the man; it was not him. "I cant believe we are here, this whole thing doesn't feel real."

"I know, I keep thinking that this is for someone else in the FBI and he will just show up."

"Spouting off facts about how the Victorian era held funerals."

"Exactly," Rossi let out a light chuckles.

"I really miss him," She looked down one last time, this was the last time she would see him.

"Me too." Rossi ushered her to the next room where Garcia had set up a slideshow. They sat next to JJ and Will and watched as each picture popped up, each a smiling picture of Spencer, some of them when he was younger, others him with the team.

"Remember that one," Emily pointed and smiled at a picture of the team in front of Finish line of Hotch's big race. Penelope, Emily and JJ had their hoodies up and sunglasses on while Morgan, Jack and Spencer cheered.

"I was so hung-over that day; he watched Henry that night and woke up to us stumbling in at like six." That was the first time since the news that any of them had even seen even the littlest of lifts in JJ's mouth.

"He found that one very amusing, he even spouted off a million facts about hangovers at breakfast," Garcia laughed. The next picture popped up this time it was Spencer and Henry, the young boy sat on top of his godfather's shoulders, a large smile on each of their faces; JJ's smile disappeared.

"I still cant believe this," Emily shook her head, staring at the slideshow. Morgan looked over to the adjoining room where Reid lay and was shocked at the visitor.

"Baby Girl," He elbowed her to grab her attention before pointing out the woman going around to the picture frames.

"No, is that really her?"

"Who," Savannah inquired looking at the crowd of people.

"I haven't seen her since she left." JJ stood up, Morgan and Garcia followed.

"Hi stranger," Morgan spoke, the woman turned around her in surprise. She didn't speak instead she was grabbed by Garcia who vice gripped her in a hug.

"Elle Greenway, I cannot believe you are here, we haven't seen or heard from you since left." She pulled her away and gave her a once over to verify the woman was really there.

"Come on the brilliant Penelope Garcia, I know you knew where I was."

"Okay, maybe a little super sleuthing but I had to make sure you were okay and from the looks of it you are."

"Where have you been for the past 11 years?"

"California, after I left the BAU I needed to get away, I moved there made it as a detective on the LAPD, got married had a couple of kids."

"Wow, I cannot believe you are here," Morgan pulled her in a hug, still in shock of her presence."

"I heard about Spencer, Hotch called me, I am so sorry."

"It's been a rollercoaster of emotions, we are all still trying to process everything."

"He was a major asset to the team and an amazing person," She looked at JJ who had started to tear up again. She excused herself to Diana and William Reid, leaving Morgan, JJ and Garcia in front of more pictures, each a memory of a time Spencer had touched their hearts, each a heartbreaking reminder that this was the only way they would see him again. The rest of the night they stuck together, a team effort to make it through this night. Throughout the night more of past team member's come through; Seaver, Blake, and Callahan, each one of them wishing their sympathies and sharing their own stories of how Spencer bettered their lives. As the night came to an end and they began to leave they took one last look at him, JJ gently kissed his cheek and they left, the last time they would see him.

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Rossi stood at the front of the Church; Spencer never believed in a God but this is how his parents wanted to lay him to rest so Rossi stood outside ushering the friends and family in. It was a cloudy day, the rain had come overnight leaving puddles in the church parking lot, the groups of people trudged through, all in black still in mourning.

"Dave," A familiar voice sounded from across the lot; it was Hotch, Jack and Beth. Rossi was so glad they made it, the airline had messed up their tickets so they missed the wake but Hotch said he would drive if he had to in order to make it there in time.

"Aaron, I'm so glad you're here," He patted his friend's back and gave Beth and Jack a hug.

"I wouldn't miss this, I couldn't believe the news when you called me, it took me a while to process that it was true."

"It happened so fast, the team and I are still in the same shock."

"How are they doing?"

"As best as can be expected, I am positive none of us have stopped crying since it happened."

"I know it must have been awful, I'm sorry you all had to be there for it."

"I'm trying not to profile them but everytime I look at them I can tell when they are lying. Morgan says he is okay but his anger is still boiling inside, Emily blames herself, Garcia wont go back to her lab and JJ… I don't know if she will ever get over this."

"They will be okay Dave, they have each other, they just need time. What about you?"

"Honestly; i miss the kid like crazy, a little bit of me blames myself…"

"Dave…"

"No I know, this wasn't my fault but he was a kid, he was so young and I can't help thinking of all the things he didn't get to do."

"Me too," Hotch clapped a hand on Rossi's back before Penelope popped her head out.

"Rossi, they are ready to start," Her eyes puffy and red and a handful of tissues crumpled in her hand. "Sir," She looked at Hotch in shock.

"Hi Garcia," For the first time in her time of knowing him he hugged her, it was comforting but not familiar.

"I'm so glad you all made it," She smiled greeting Beth and Jack as well. "They are ready," she repeated before she disappeared back in the church.

"Ready to go in?"

"Not really but here we go."

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None of them really heard what the priest said, It was all a blur, quiet sobs could be heard, mostly from JJ, Garcia and Emily. Morgan clutched his wife's hand; tears welled up in his eyes as he looked at the picture next to the casket. It was his ID photo, it had been taken a year prior after him and Prentiss had made of his previous one, he looked like he was 12. Spencer finally caved and taken the new photo which made him go from 12 to maybe 20, he had that baby-face, he was pretty boy. The priest finished his sermon and introduced Morgan, the eulogy, he had forgotten. Savannah nudged him and gave him a reassuring smile. The walk up to the podium was a grueling one, all eyes on him as he pulled his speech out of his jacket. He looked out into the sea of people, mostly focusing on his former team members, an encouraging smile from Penelope got him on track and he cleared his throat.

"I don't think there was anyone like my little brother Spencer; a genius with a heart of gold. He touched anyone who knew him; he was the caring and giving person that we all aspire to be. I will not lie; I'm lost right now, lost without him and in a whole lot of pain. He was my best friend, someone that I confided in and someone I knew would always have my back. I, much like most of you in this room have lost a little piece of yourselves through Spencer, it a piece of your heart that wont be filled again. As awful as I feel I stand here before you to remind you that there are so many amazing memories of this young genius, memories that will live on and will help me get through this hurt. I know he is in a better place, with an old friend, he is in no pain and free from all worry. I will miss him…" His voice faltered as he read the paper through tears, a small gasp escaped him as he felt the speech might be over there. It wasn't until Penelope appeared by his side and looped arms with him. She smiled at him and nodded as she moved him to the side.

"I will miss him, the way he always spouted off statistics; irrelevant statistics, I'll miss how he used to get lost in information only to stop himself when he saw the look on our faces. I'll miss the pointless poker games I played with him, I knew I'd lose every time. I'll miss how amazing he was with my son, and JJ's boys and Jack, I'll miss his magic tricks…" Garcia too began to tear up, she let out a calming breath before a few words. "Not a day will go by where I don't think about him but I know he is by my side always. This amazing man was taken too soon and he will be missed." She nodded in agreement at the final words before guiding Morgan to Savannah. The church was quiet as the next person walked up to the altar, Hotchner.

After he left and rekindled his love life with Beth, Hotch vowed to keep in contact, especially with Reid who hated goodbyed. When the BAU number popped up that day he thought it was Spencer giving him the recent updates but it was instead him receiving the worst news a person can get. He tried desperately to make the wake but weather conditions cut off air travel so instead, Jack, Beth and him drove to Virginia. He promised to speak at the funeral; Spencer was like a son to him so he searched for a poem, one of Spencer's favorite things . He settled on a poem that he almost read at Haley's funeral before he found another. He stood in front of them all, his hands shook, he had cried which was rare for him but he had cried that morning. He adjusted the microphone and cleared his throat.

"Death is nothing at all...  
I have only slipped away into the next room.  
I am I, and you are you.  
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.  
Call me by my old familiar name,  
Speak to me in the easy way you always used.  
Put no difference into your tone  
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.  
Laugh as we always laughed  
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.  
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.  
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.  
Let it be spoken without effort,  
without the ghost of a shadow on it.  
Life means all that it ever meant.  
It is the same as it ever was;  
there is absolutely unbroken continuity...  
Why should I be out of your mind because I am out of sight?  
I am waiting for you for an interval,  
Somewhere very near, just around the corner.  
All is well"

An amazing Poem by Henry Scott Holland, it perfectly suited the situation, to not forget the man but rather to remember everything that was good and keep going in life with only that. As the service ended Morgan, Rossi, Hotch and Will joined Reids father and his childhood friend Ethan to carry their friend out. Sobs echoed within the church as the men passed each pew, this day that they never wanted was suddenly here and oh so real.

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	4. Bargaining- Emily

There is a game; it is played too often when one is in mourning. It is a game that wreaks havoc; one that slowly can drive one mad with guilt. There are no winners only losers for how could anyone win after a tremendous loss? It's called the what if game and no one should ever have to play it because no matter how many times you run the scenarios through your head and ask yourself what could have gone differently the result is always the same and there is no way to bring that person back. Emily had been playing this game since the gun went off and she watched her friend fall, it had caused her to lose sleep, she couldn't eat, there was nothing else on her mind. Her dreams were consumed by the terror of that dreadful day and she would wake up in a panic, sweat dripping off her face and her heart racing.

Currently she sat in Rossi's kitchen, in the other room other's shared memories, they cried over pictures of the late Spencer Reid; she could not be there, not after she let this happen. She sat at the kitchen counter sipping on wine, her mind still in on a continuous loop of every second leading up to the end and there were a million things she could have done differently. Every time she closed her eyes she saw him, blood everywhere, trickling from his mouth as he gasped for air and then… emptiness in his eyes.

"Emily," Her eyes shot open as the man approached behind her. "I was wondering where you went." Rossi rounded the counter and stood in front of her, brandy in hand. She looked at him; he looked tired but a lot better than her. She could see the way he was looking at her; worry.

"I just needed a refresher," She lifted her glass before taking a sip.

"Come on Emily, I don't need my profiling skills to tell you're lying." She let out a sigh.

"I just miss him," that wasn't lying but she was leaving out the most important information; it wasn't fooling Rossi.

"When was the last time you slept Emily?"

"I don't know, before this all happened probably."

"I keep thinking of it too, there is no erasing what we saw."

"Yeah, I know but I just keep thinking maybe if I had just taken his spot with JJ…"

"We would be here mourning you."

"I would gladly have taken that spot."

"Emily, what happened to Spencer was beyond our control, no one saw it coming, it wasn't part of the Unsub's MO to have that gun, we didn't know he was going to shoot at us."

"I just keep going over it again and again and again and I think I could have prevented it."

"I was where you are, I have played that what if game Emily and that is the worst thing you can do in this situation, what is done is done, there is no going back and I can assure you there was no way you could have saved him."He could see her take in the words but they fell dead to her ears; he sighed, he had seen how much she was blaming herself and it killed him. "I have been where you are, heck I think I'm there right now a little bit. Every person that I have watched die I have thought to myself what could I have done differently, with Carolyn and Gideon I would rack my brain trying to think of how I could have prevented it."

"But there wasn't a way I know," Emily stopped him.

"Thing is Emily I know I'm right, I know that no matter what I did whether it was getting to Carolyn sooner, or keeping up with Jason there is no bringing them back, though I know we wish really hard that we could.."

"I know its just, I don't know I don't want to put anyone in his place but he was the youngest of the team, he was just so loving and had a mind that could change the world."

"I wish I could change it too, I wish I could have been in that spot but he's gone, and like I said Emily we did everything we could."

"I know but it just doesn't make it any easier."

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She lay in her bed, arms folded across her chest and focus on the ceiling, though maybe she was trying to stare beyond. This day had been horrible, so unreal; had they really just buried Spencer Reid? It was as if she was in a simulation of some sort, where she could see what the world would be like without him and soon she would be awoken to find him but that was not the case. Since his murder she would talk to him, she knew he didn't believe in an afterlife but after him talking about the afterlife she thought it couldn't hurt. She would stare at the ceiling for hours searching for the right words to say to him.

"I don't know how to tell you how sorry I am." She felt silly speaking to no one but somehow she felt as if maybe she could get some sort of closure. "You didn't deserve this and if I could rewind time I would." Every night she would go through what she knew about Spencer, every horrible thing that happened to him, being tortured, being infected, losing the love of his life and losing his mentor. He must have gone through this; when Maeve died JJ called her and told her everyday how terrified she was for Spencer, his depression, his guilt, he was right where she was now. She wanted nothing more than to finally accept that this was not her fault but there was no way she could push down the culpability.

She had had enough, she swung her legs over the edge of her bed and got up, and sitting still was only going to make her go crazy quicker. She had walked the apartment, the same track since day one, through the kitchen searching mindlessly through her refrigerator, she wasn't hungry but right now she didn't know what she wanted. She sighed and finally decided on a water, shutting the door and moving to the living room plopping down on the couch. Lately she felt so lost, racked with guilt and grief, it was eating her alive inside much like most of the team. She had talked to Garcia every day either over the phone or when she came over crying over losing her friend, mostly she would say repeatedly how she still hadn't been hit that this was real but other times she would ask what happened.

When she called director Cruz she specifically told him not to release the details to Garcia. She knew that Garcia couldn't handle it, technique she couldn't handle it, watching the light leave from his eyes had been one of the worst things she had ever encountered. She had seemed like the most put together person through times of adversity but inside she was dying, she wanted to scream, how could this happen how could she let this happen. She could hear Rossi in her mind telling her that this wasn't her fault that there was nothing that she could do but how could she forgive herself, she had told him and JJ to take lead and it had gotten him killed. She was exhausted, every time she closed her eyes, a different scenario would play out and for a second she would believe it was real until she woke up and remembered. It was the worst feeling in the world, forgetting about it, for a second even if it was only a second she as okay but then that horrible feeling consumes you. She let her eyes slip closed, sleep greeted her like an old friend but she knew it was only going to betray her.

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	5. Depression- JJ

All she could do was stare at Hannah Mill's face; she screamed internally, her eyes pleaded for help as the cold metal barrel of a nine millimeter was pressed tightly to her temple. Beside her Spencer tried to reason with the unsub, trying to convince him that they meant him no harm which was hard to do with guns trained on him. Behind them she could see Emily and Rossi through the back window making their way to the backdoor, she also knew that Alves and Lewis were making their way through the home.

"Kellen we know what your sister did, she can't hurt you anymore," Reid assured him.

"She…She's gone," he stammered. Kellen Hanover was dealt a horrible hand in his lifetime. When his parents died in a freak accident when he was eight his twenty-year-old sister gained custody of him and from that point on he had lived in fear. His sister abused him physically and emotionally, and five victims later, he was still trying to end the abuse.

"Yes, she is gone and she can't hurt you anymore, we don't want to hurt you either but Hannah Mill is afraid, she hasn't done anything wrong, you have to let her go." The man looked quickly down at the woman's face, this wasn't his sister.

"I…I cant go with me, you'll kill me, Amanda says cops are bad, they will kill me if I tell them."

"We won't you just have to let Hannah go," JJ watched as Hanover thought it over, slowly his grip on Hannah was loosened but in an instant it changed, Hanover caught a glimpse of Alves and he grabbed Hannah again.

"You lied!"

"Kellen let her go, we aren't lying," She tried to calm him.

"As soon as I let her go you kill me!" Rage was clearly seen in his face, he placed the muzzle of the gun to Hannah's head again.

"Kellen we just want to…"

"Shut up!"

"…Just want to help you what she did…"

"Shut Up!" He yelled again, this time he brought the side of the gun to his head trying to stop his thoughts.

"Kellen, you have to let her go," JJ pleaded.

"I said Shut Up," He screamed. It happened so quickly, he moved his gun and pulled the trigger missing his intended target, but still he hit someone. JJ felt the splatter of the crimson hit her face, everything seemed to stop for a minute as she saw Spencer fall to the ground

"Spencer," She gasped ready to drop down next to him.

"Don't Move," Hanover demanded once again raising his gun to Hannah's head. JJ looked down at Spencer as he gave her a look of despair as blood began to trickle from his lips.

"Please help me," he gargled out. "Why won't you help me?"

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He felt useless to her, all he could do is watch as JJ slowly deteriorated internally. He was woken up abruptly every morning with her sudden movement, she was jolted awake by the same nightmare that would likely plague her minds for some time. For the first few nights she would collapse in his arm and just cry, he often lost count of how long but the only way it would stop is when she exhausted herself. Now she would just get up and walk around refusing to give in to her exhaustion, she was like a zombie, walking around in a trance almost, lost. He felt helpless, he had told her since day one that this wasn't her fault that she did everything she could but when you relive the murder of your best friend it was hard to accept the truth.

He looked at the clock; four thirty, an hour before his alarm would have gone off. He stood up and led JJ downstairs, she looked different, bag under her eyes and her face slimmer, he worried about her. With her being in this state he wouldn't help but wonder if she would ever snap out of this funk. He pulled a pan out of the cupboard and move to the fridge; he found that creating a routine might help. It was very important that he make her talk to him about what was happening and that there was no keeping it inside. He could tell that maybe she hated him for it, making her talk about such a horrible dream but it was what needed to be done. He placed a plate in front of her before seating himself across from her. He rested his head in his hands, elbows on the counter waiting for her to take the first bite.

"You need to eat," he finally spoke not that she was listening. "Jennifer, eat," He picked up her fork and handed it to her. She weakly moved her hand up and took the fork. She took a bit but to her everything seems so unappetizing, to keep him satisfied she managed to stomach the eggs. "Talk," He placed a mug of coffee in front of her and took a sip of his own readying himself.

"I don't feel like talking about it." She murmured under her breath.

"I know you don't, you haven't wanted to since day one but you know…"

"I know what the doctor said," She snapped throwing her fork at the plate. "It isn't going to make a difference, talking it out!" He was used to her yelling by now, all the anger inside of her that was let out in sudden bursts.

"I know you're hurting JJ, I know that it isn't helping that nothing is going to bring him back but you can't keep it pent up inside, he wouldn't want it."

"Don't tell me what he would have wanted, I'm so sick of hearing it, we don't know what he wants, he is dead he can't tell us."

"JJ…"

"No, I can't keep pretending that these talks help, I can't keep pretending that I didn't lose my best friend, our sons' godson." She sprung up from her chair and paced the kitchen. "It isn't okay, it wont be for a long time, I watched him die, watched him struggle to breath, watched the light leave his eyes and that's not fair!" hot tears started to well up in her eyes. "It's not fair that his mother lost her only child, that while she will forget his slowly she won't have him by her side as she struggles through the dementia, it's not fair that our boys won't have their Uncle Spence."

"JJ none of this is ever going to be fair, none of this is going to make sense, Spencer was a hell of a man and I know how much you love him but I know that he wouldn't have wanted this." She shook her head as the tears slid down her face.

"I can't get it out of my head; I keep seeing it all play out, watching him suffer, I held him, I watch him take his last breath!" That had been the worst part of it all, she was so helpless in that moment. Will now stood beside her holding her close, they sat in silence the only sound she heard was his heart beating. She wondered it this would ever be okay, she had felt this pain when she was young after her sister had been found, the same feeling of hopelessness, the feeling that her world had been over, she was so lost this past week, her mind had shut down.

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 _"Kellen, look at me," JJ heard Lewis call from behind him. She had lost focus as soon as Spencer had went down, she was staring at him as he looked up at her with pleading eyes, fearful eyes. Hanover turned his attention away and as soon as she was out of the line of fire she dropped down next to him._

 _"Spencer, look at me," She cradled his head on her lap, her hands on the bullet wound, there was so much blood, too much to be something fixable. "Spence, come on stay with me okay, everything it going to be okay." A tear from her hit his cheek, all he could do was stare up at her and smile, but she knew he knew it wasn't good._

 _"It's…it's okay JJ," He said through the fight for air; his teeth were stained by the crimson liquid filling his mouth. The coopery smell filled her nose making her sick, she pressed down harder on the gaping hole in his shoulder, blood leaked through the spaces in her fingers._

 _"Reid, please you're going to be okay, you have to stay, for your mom, for the boys," She pleaded but it was helping._

 _"Hold…hold my hand," He wheezed, tears filled his eyes but a smile graced his face. With hesitation she took her hands off of his shoulder, one stroked his hair the other clung tightly to his hand._

 _"You're going to be okay, everything will be over soon," She sobbed as she brushed her fingers though his hair, her voice as calm as she could. She watched as his eyelids started to droop with heaviness._

 _"It's o..okay JJ I don't… feel it." His voice so soft that she didn't completely catch what he was trying to tell her._

 _"What," She asked_

 _"I… I don't h..hurt anymore," A small break in his voice sounded in the sentence. She knew she was losing him, she placed her hand on his chest, feeling this heart beat._

 _"It's going to be okay, alright you are going to see Gideon again," He smiled weakly trying to fight the darkness. "Someone will start beating you at chess again," she laughed, the corner's of his mouth turned up in an effort of a smile._

 _"I… love you guys," his voice weak but clear._

 _"We love you too," JJ sobbed. That was it, she watched his eyes close, listened as his last breath escaped him his heart stop beating. "Oh god," She whispered, she pull him into her chest, his arms hung lifelessly next to him as she rocked him back and forth sobbing. She heard a gunshot and the unsub was down, screaming in protest, that was an unjust ending to this killers reign of terror, he_ _lives and her best friend dies._

"Mama," She snapped back to present time, she was sitting at the dinner table, Will and Henry looked at her with concern.

"Sorry baby, what did you say?"

"I asked if you wanted the mashed potatoes," He held out the bowl looking back at his father who gave him a small reassuring smile.

"Thank you," She took the bowl and placed a dollop on her plate, she didn't intend on eating them but she had to make them believe that she was. Henry knew somewhat what was going on, Will had told him. He had managed to calm her and get her into bed before their son started asking why she was so upset. He sat him down and from the other room she could hear him relay the horrible news. She could hear Henry cry; there was nothing she could do. Will had stepped up for everything this week, woken up early, even on his overnight shifts to bring Henry to school and Michael to the sitters. He made sure she ate, showered and slept before a quick nap and back to work. He had cooked and cleaned, he did everything an still found the time to make sure she was bottling up her emotions too much. He had handled the whole thing well, he cared for Spencer, he was part of their family so when he got the news he was in shock. She knew she was lucky to have him because even after she yelled at him, snapped and even walked away he was always there the minute she needed him.

They ate dinner in silence before Will spoke up and coaxed Henry into talking about his day, all while feeding Michael and himself simultaneously. They finished up and Will excuse Henry to go play while he cleaned up Michael and the table.

"I can take Michael," JJ offered.

"It's okay babe, go relax," He pulled their son out of the highchair and place him in the playpen while he cleaned the highchair.

"I can do it will, you have been busting your ass here, let me help." He gave her a small smile and handed her the rag. She picked Michael up and sat in the recliner with him, it didn't take long for him to start fussing. "It's okay baby mama's here," She cradled him in her arms and he gave her a smile, moments like those kept her going, for her kids sake, for Will. The depression was dragging her down lately, a darkness that was consuming her. She knew that Will was right when he told her that Spencer would not have wanted this but she was so heartbroken right now that it didn't seem possible to move past this. She kissed Michael on the forehead and placed him back in his pack and play before helping will with the dishes.

"I'm sorry for last night," She said as she picked up the drying towel.

"There is nothing to be sorry for," He didn't look up from the sink instead he handed her a plate.

"I know this week has been hard on us all and it isn't helping that you are the one taking on most of the responsibility here while I just sit here." He sighed and turned off the water before taking the towel from her and drying his hands.

"I don't want you to think that way, JJ you just lost Spencer, he was this man who meant everything to you and the team, the world to our boys, hell he was like a brother in law to me." He tossed the towel aside and leaned against the counter. "This isn't going to be easy, I know that and you know that. I am doing everything I can to make sure that you are alright, you take your time, you grieve but please don't apologize for."

"I'm going to be okay," She tried to convince them both, tears welled up in her eyes and her voice cracked.

"Yes Darlin', you are going to be just fine." He pulled her close and held her in his arms, she felt safe there, she could cry and he would just hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. She wanted nothing more than to be okay but for now her heart hurt and she had to grieve.

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC She lowered Michael down gently into the crib placing a soft kiss on the top of his head. She lingered in the doorway looking at her son soundly sleeping before quietly closing the door and meeting Will in the hallway. He had just left Henry's room and she grabbed his hand to walk to the bedroom with him.

"He is asking for you again," He kissed her cheek and let go of her hand before leaving her alone in the hall. She had tried so hard to keep her emotions in check when it came to Henry, he was sad and she wanted to be strong for him but her heart had been shattered by this and she didn't know how to be strong. She walked into her son's room, he sat up in bed waiting for her. She smiled and sat next to him; it had been the first time since Spencer's death that she had been alone with Henry, Will usually accompanied her just in case Henry would ask any questions.

"Mama," He looked up at her with those big beautiful blue eyes. "I know you're sad."

"I know baby, I wish I wasn't, I don't like you to see me like this." She had him move over so she could sit beside him; she wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on the top of his head.

"I miss him too," It shouldn't have caught her off guard like it did but when he said those four words she felt a lump form in her throat and the tears begin to collect again.

"I know baby but you know what, he was so proud of you, and he loved you so much."

"I know," now his voice cracked.

"And he will always be with you, baby no matter what he is right there with you."

"I don't understand why he had to go, why he is gone!"

"I don't either but life works in mysterious ways, and unfortunately they are unfair sometimes."

"Will I forget him?" It was such an innocent question for an eight year old.

"No, I won't let that happen, we have a million pictures and so many memories, we can talk about him anytime you want."

"But it makes you sad."

"I know but remembering him makes me happy plus I have you and Daddy and Michael and we are going to get through this."

"I feel like I'm going to be sad forever," He cried.

"I know but it won't be, you will miss him but it will get easier, and you have me right by your side." Truth be told you never stop missing them, you think about them and a wave of sadness might hit you but the pain becomes tolerable, she learned that when her sister died. She held Henry close and let him cry, she rocked him to sleep before pulling the blankets up and kissing his forehead. She wished her son never had to experience this pain but he was and seeing him made her realize that she may miss Spencer but she had to clear out of this haze and be there for Henry. She closed the door and made it down to her bedroom.

"Are you okay," Will asked pulling the blanket back and letting her snuggle in next to him.

"Not completely but I'm getting there."


	6. Acceptance- The final stage

Rossi rose from his chair and lightly tapped his class with his fork; the table quieted down an all eyes turned to him. The team had gathered at his home to celebrate a day that they would always remember. Today, it would mark a six months since the unfortunate day when they had lost Spencer. Each day had been a gentle reminder to them that life was short and every second counted, slowly but surely they made it back to what "normality" or at least trying. Today they all gathered, even Hotch and Morgan joined to celebrate Spencer.

"I would like to make a toast," Rossi declared, he raised his glass high and continued. "I know these past months have been hard, remembering Spencer has had its ups and downs, but he would not want us to celebrate this day in misery so I ask you to raise your glasses and wish Spencer a Happy Birthday."

"Happy Birthday," They cheered to the sky.

"He would have been 37 today," JJ smiled sadly before taking a small sip of wine.

"Remember that time we made him wear that cake hat, God he hated that," Garcia laughed.

"A cake hat," Tara question, her eyebrow raised.

"It was his 25th birthday, found the hat at the dollar store; he wore it though until we caught a case."They all laughed at the memory.

"You know I can still hear his voice," the corners of her mouth turned slightly to resemble a smile.

"Me too, spouting off statistics, random little factoids," Morgan looked down at his plate and smiled. They all sat in silence; it had taken them a long time to make it to this point. Returning to work seemed impossible but somehow they made it, started working cases, the first one was the hardest only from their they only got harder as they expected him to magically show up an give them an answer. It was not until maybe their eighth case in before they realized their wishing wasn't going to bring him back. Morgan and Hotch had called them constantly to check in, each of them battled themselves to get past the tremendous loss.

"Remember that fact he told us about that Bosnian man during the sandman murder case," Tara laughed breaking the silence.

"No one believed that one," Rossi nodded in amusement."

"I had to have looked it up at least three times to be sure because who can live without sleep," Alves jested.

That was the part that would never go away, the memories; the moments of his life whether good or bad they were the times that defied his life. JJ never wanted to forget those moments; she told Henry a new story about him every day, something about the two of them or something that Spencer loved the most. Garcia kept his photo on her desk and when the team was away and she was alone in her office she would talk to him as if he were sitting right next to her. Emily had kept the film canister from physic magic and made it into a key chain, it was always with her a small momentum. Rossi cheers him every time he had his nighttime brandy, Hotch talked about him to the men and woman he trained at his new job and for Morgan he would follow JJ's lead even if Hank didn't understand he would know about this great man that should have been there. None of them wanted it to happen but slowly they knew his voice would fade from their memories, they would forget what he sounded like, his face would too, only pictures could bring that to them but they would be damned if their memories would disappear. CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

That night JJ tucked Henry to bed before sitting next to him and recalling the next memory of his godfather; the Halloween that almost was not. By the end she was smiling at the picture in her head of Spencer clipping his FBI badge on to Henry his mini me of the night.

"Alright time to get some sleep," She leaned over and kissed his forehead.

"Mama," He called just as she was reaching for the doorknob.

"Yes baby," She turned back around, she could see the troublesome look on her little boy's face as he hesitated to say what he wanted to say. "What is it Henry?"

"Do you think Uncle Spencer would be mad if I… I tried not to be sad anymore." She smiled at him and sat down once again.

"No, he would not be mad."

"I miss him still but I don't want to be sad anymore, I don't feel super sad anymore."

"You will always miss him, but you won't be sad forever, he would never want you to be sad forever."

"He wouldn't?"

"No, he would want you to be happy, to smile and laugh and have a great life, sadness is only a temporary thing when you grieve someone."

"Have you stopped being sad?"

"Yes and you want to know the secret on how?" Henry eagerly nodded. "You member all the great memories, the moments that make you laugh about him."

"Like his magic tricks."

"Yes, like his magic tricks," She laughed. "And know that its okay to laugh again, its okay to feel okay because right now he is watching over you hoping that you are laughing or smiling about him instead crying."

"Thanks Mama," Henry snuggled under his covers again, she kissed his forehead again and quietly left. In the hall she stood for a moment looking at a photo on the side table of Spencer and the boys. She picked up the picture, traced a finger over Spencer and smiled.

"I miss you everyday but you know what I think we will be okay now." She set the photo down and stared for a moment longer, they were going to be okay, life was going to go on, obviously no one would forget the genius but they would slowly make it back to happiness. With one foot in the door already she knew that accepting what had happened as reality and realizing that there was no changing the past was her next step. "Happy Birthday Spencer," She wished him one last time before joining Will in bed, they were going to be alright.

"The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to." -Unknown

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I know the ending was short but this is more of a closer, hope you enjoyed the story! Thank you for all your wonderful comments~ love layna


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